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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29174286">Firelight Memories</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samunderthelights/pseuds/Samunderthelights'>Samunderthelights</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Vikings Short Stories [9]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Vikings (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon Related, Don't copy to another site, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Memories, Regret, Reminiscing, Vikings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:20:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,570</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29174286</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samunderthelights/pseuds/Samunderthelights</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After Halfdan's death, Bjorn looks back on their time together.<br/>The wasted years, the missed opportunities.<br/>The things left unsaid.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bjorn/Halfdan the Black</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Vikings Short Stories [9]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2043841</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Firelight Memories</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p>Bjorn is sitting by the fire, staring down at it, and although he knows there must be some warmth coming off it, it doesn’t get through to him. Not anymore. His insides feel wrong, like they are trying to fight each other. Like they are about to burst out of him and leave him empty. But how much more empty can he feel?</p><p>Ubbe joins him, and he gives a supportive pat on the back, an uncomfortable, uncertain smile on his face.</p><p>“Shouldn’t you be trying to get some sleep?”</p><p>“I wanted to see how you are,” Ubbe says, but Bjorn keeps his eyes glued to the fire. “I’m sorry for your loss.”</p><p>“My loss?”</p><p>“Halfdan.”</p><p>“It’s what happens in battle. People die,” Bjorn says, his voice empty, hollow. His brother gives a small, knowing nod, and he gives him a moment to say what he really thinks. But Bjorn doesn’t say another word.</p><p>“Halfdan was not just anyone, was he?”</p><p>“People die, Ubbe. Yes, he was a friend, but…”</p><p>“He was more than a friend. I know you cared for him,” Ubbe corrects him, and Bjorn finally looks up at him. “I know what happened in Frankia.”</p><p>“You do?”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>Bjorn is sitting by the fire, trying to gather his thoughts before he goes off to his tent for the night. But too much has happened over the last months, the last years, and he can’t deny that the upcoming attack is filling him with a rush of adrenaline, but it is making him nervous at the same time.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He is so lost in his thoughts, that he reaches for his weapon when he hears footsteps, ready for a fight. But when he hears Halfdan chuckling, before sitting down next to him, he sighs.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“If I had wanted to kill you, I would have done it a long time ago.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I thought you were someone else.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Can’t sleep?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I was just thinking,” Bjorn shrugs, a knowing smile on the other man’s face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Did you know about your father’s plans?” Halfdan asks, but when he sees Bjorn’s face, he already knows the answer. “It makes me wonder what else he is hiding from us.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You don’t trust him?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“That is not what I am saying.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Then what are you saying?” Bjorn asks, but when Halfdan stares down at the fire, a small smile on his face, he realises that he was not attacking his father. “Do you think his plan will work?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It just might. I’m sure they won’t see this attack coming.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Bjorn nods, but there is an uncertain look on his face, and he is unable to hide that he is feeling less comfortable with this plan than he probably should feel. Perhaps it’s because his father is not in good shape, or because they were defeated before, and this plan feels like a back-up plan, thought of by a desperate, vengeful man. A man who, since his friend’s death, seems to have lost himself entirely.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You are worried about him, aren’t you?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“He knows what he is doing.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Didn’t you say that last time?” Halfdan chuckles, and Bjorn feels like he should be offended, like he should defend his father, but instead he feels the corners of his mouth curling up into a smile. And when Halfdan looks up at him, the smile on his face only grows bigger.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I should try and get some sleep.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Me too.” Halfdan nods, but when they get up at the same time, their faces almost collide, and Bjorn open his mouth to apologise. But before he has even gotten a chance to speak, Halfdan has grabbed him by the back of his neck, and he has pulled him in for a kiss.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Bjorn is not entirely sure what is happening, but he finds himself returning the kiss, his hands grabbing onto the other man’s waist, to try and pull him closer. And it isn’t until they run out of air, that they break the kiss.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“How about you stay with me tonight?” Halfdan suggests, a shy smile on his face. But there is still something playful, something exciting in his eyes, and Bjorn finds himself tightening the grip on his waist, not ready to let go of him just yet.</em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“I didn’t think anyone knew,” Bjorn admits, and his brother flashes a small, uncertain smile. Not sure whether him knowing is worse, or if it brings his brother any comfort. “Did our father know?”</p><p>“Of course. Couldn’t you tell?”</p><p>Bjorn sighs, the memory of that night in Frankia still flashing before his eyes. The memory of what had happened after. Of waking up next to Halfdan, of avoiding him, of trying to get him to keep quiet. Of telling him to keep his mouth shut, when he had, only days later, tried to bring up what had happened. The memory of pushing Halfdan off when he had tried to kiss him again.</p><p>“I am so sorry he was killed, Bjorn,” Ubbe tries again, and this time his brother nods, no longer trying to pretend it doesn’t matter.</p><p>“What happened after that night? Something changed, didn’t it?”</p><p>“Nothing else happened,” Bjorn admits. “Our father left, and…”</p><p>“So all those years…?” Ubbe asks, but his brother just shrugs. “After England, when Halfdan decided to go with you… what happened?”</p><p>Bjorn shakes his head, before staring back down at the fire. Halfdan had decided to go with him, but by then so many years had passed, that Bjorn wasn’t even sure if he still remembered what had happened that one night. And for a long time, it wasn’t brought up. It was as though it had never happened. Bjorn would still catch Halfdan staring at him every now and then, and sometimes a tension would grow between them, but they would always laugh it off. Pretend it wasn’t there.</p><p>Until that one morning, where Bjorn had found himself asking Halfdan the question he had promised himself to never ask.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>“She was… not a she.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You heard,” Halfdan mutters under his breath, avoiding the other man’s eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“And uh… was that a problem for you?” Bjorn asks, but when Halfdan looks up at him, he can see that, although he was trying to say the right thing, he has only made him feel more uncomfortable.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m starving!” Halfdan exclaims, ready to jump up, ready to end the conversation. But Bjorn remembers last night, how they had both been excited to spend the night with the Emir’s girls. He had seen the look on Halfdan’s face, and he had recognised something in it. It had taken him back to that night, all those years before.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Do you remember that night in Frankia?” he asks, kicking himself for asking the question as soon as the words have left his mouth. Because he had told Halfdan off for bringing it up, he had been ready to fight him, yet here he is, bringing it up, so many years later.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Of course.” Halfdan smiles, a hint of a blush visible not only on his face, but on his neck as well. “I didn’t think you wanted to talk about it.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I didn’t.” Bjorn chuckles, all of the sudden feeling giddy, finally allowing himself to think back to that night. To all the things he had felt not only in the moment, but afterwards. To the moments he had spent staring at Halfdan, wondering what had made it happen.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“So why bring it up now?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t know.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Halfdan flashes a small, knowing smile, but when he wants to get up again, Bjorn quickly opens his mouth again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I have one regret about that night.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Just one?” Halfdan laughs, but when Bjorn just nods, he realises that he is trying to tell him something. “What is it?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I regret the way I treated you after it had happened.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s fine.” Halfdan shrugs. “I know why you wanted me to keep my distance.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You do?” Bjorn chuckles. “Please tell me, because I still don’t know. I did not regret it, I still don’t. But when you tried to kiss me again…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It was not what you wanted,” Halfdan says, flashing a small smile, trying to reassure his friend. But Bjorn can see that he had hurt him. There is something hiding in his eyes that tells him that that night had meant something. That when Bjorn had tried to turn it into something that was to be kept a secret, when he had started pushing him away, he had hurt him deeply.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What if I did want it?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Then you would not have told me off for trying to kiss you,” Halfdan chuckles uncomfortably. “I don’t mind, Bjorn. I understand.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What if I still want it?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Do you?” Halfdan asks, a confused look on his face. But when Bjorn inches closer towards him, closing the distance between them, he gets a shy smile on his face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Bjorn puts his hands on the sides of the other man’s neck, and without hesitation, he presses their mouths together. Their mouths move together as though this is what they were made to do, as though this is what they have always done, and it isn’t until they hear the shouting outside, that they break away from each other.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We should probably see what’s going on.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah…,” Halfdan agrees, but Bjorn can see the uncertainty in his eyes, and before he knows it, the words that have been on his mind for years, have spilled from his lips.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I care for you, Halfdan.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What about Torvi? Does she know?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“That’s what I thought. I care for you too, Bjorn, but you have a wife, a family… You made your choice.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I will tell her when we get back to Kattegat.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s too late, Bjorn.”</em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“I hurt him, Ubbe.”</p><p>“You were scared.”</p><p>“Scared?” Bjorn laughs, but it’s pained laughter, and his younger brother sighs.</p><p>“Is that why you left Torvi, to be with Halfdan?”</p><p>“No. I left her because I did not want to be with her. She deserves to be with someone who cares for her, someone…,” Bjorn begins, but when he sees the uncomfortable look on Ubbe’s face, he can’t help but smile. “Someone like you.”</p><p>“After you and Torvi…”</p><p>Bjorn shakes his head, remembering how hurt he had been by Halfdan’s rejection. How it had made him act out. How it had made him marry a woman who was still a stranger to him, simply because he felt like he had to do something. But deep down, he knew that he was simply acting out, trying to push down the hurt, trying to make Halfdan notice him. Make him change his mind.</p><p>“I am a coward, Ubbe.”</p><p>“You’re not a coward, Ivar is just…”</p><p>“I am not talking about Ivar!” Bjorn snaps, but when he sees the look on his brother’s face, he glances back at the fire. “He tried to talk to me, the morning before the battle. He gave me another chance, and I did not take it.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>“I am ready for Valhalla. At least I know that life has taught me something. You have taught me something…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Thank you.” Bjorn nods, and a small, knowing smile forms on Halfdan’s lips.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Thank you? That is all you have to say to me?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What else do you want me to say?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“More than likely, this is our last conversation, Bjorn,” Halfdan says, “This is your last chance to tell me…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Bjorn cuts him off by grabbing his arm, and leading him away from everyone else. To make sure that no one is listening in.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I care for you, Halfdan. And I will tell you everything that I have to say to you, but not today.”</em>
</p><p><em>“Not today,” Halfdan chuckles. “My brother </em>will <em>kill me today. You know that, don’t you?”</em></p><p>
  <em>The words cut through Bjorn like a knife, and the thought of losing Halfdan makes him feel a hollowness which he has never felt before, not even after his father was killed. Not even when he had lost Siggy and Porunn.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I swear I will tell you another time,” he says, and without giving the other man a chance to object, he kisses him, hoping that it will be enough for now. Because it is all he can give him right now. He is simply not ready to give him his all. Not today.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>“I would give anything to go back and tell him everything,” Bjorn admits, his voice breaking. He still remembers the look of disappointment on Halfdan’s face, but he had told himself that they would have more time. There would be another day.</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell him how you felt?” Ubbe asks. “I know you were not ready before, but why not tell him that morning?”</p><p>“I was scared.”</p><p>“Scared of what?”</p><p>“Of love,” Bjorn admits, but then he lets out an uncomfortable chuckle. “It know it’s stupid.”</p><p>“No, it’s not.”</p><p>“I cared for Porunn, for Torvi, Snaefrid even… but I loved him, Ubbe. Now it’s too late to tell him, and he will never know how much I cared for him.”</p><p>“He knew, Bjorn,” Ubbe says, and when his brother looks at him, he gives a small, reassuring nod. “He knew how much you cared for him.”</p><p>“Did he tell you that?”</p><p>“We could all see it, so could he.”</p><p>“Why didn’t he tell me?” Bjorn asks, but when he sees the look of pity in his brother’s eyes, he looks back at the fire. “You should try and get some sleep.”</p><p>“Will you be alright?”</p><p>Bjorn gives a nod, certain that if he were to speak right now, his voice would break, and the tears would fall from his eyes. He doesn’t want to show his brother how much he is hurting, how he feels cut down to his core.</p><p>So Ubbe gets up, and after giving his brother a comforting squeeze in his shoulder, he walks off, leaving him to it. Bjorn tries his best to think about what lies ahead of them, but his thoughts keep wandering back to Halfdan, about the moments they have had together. The moments they have missed out on.</p><p>“I am so sorry, Halfdan,” he whispers, his eyes still glued to the fire. “I wish we could start over again. I would have told you how much you meant to me, back in Frankia, I would have let you kiss me. I would have told you how much I wanted you to kiss me,” he admits, hoping that somehow, somewhere Halfdan can hear his words. “I would have given us a chance. We would have had more time together… I love you.”</p><p>He can hear his voice breaking, the feeling of regret, of ‘could have been’, of ‘should haves’, almost becoming overwhelming. They make him feel like he is drowning. He closes his eyes, and the image of Halfdan, with that big grin on his face, flashes before his eyes. He can hear his laughter ringing in his ears. For a split-second, it comforts him, but he knows that he will never get to see Halfdan smiling again. He will never hear him laugh again.</p><p>“I regret not being brave enough to tell you, that it has taken me this long to speak the words. I should have told you when you asked me. I am sorry I couldn’t be the man you needed me to be.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <a href="http://samunderthelights.tumblr.com/">You can find me on Tumblr! ❤️</a>
</p></blockquote></div></div>
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